The Seat of Restlessness

Recently I have been working with this fantastic group of women around their relationship to money. We have laughed together, cried together and sometimes just sat in the powerful silence that follows the “ah-ha” moment of “I get it. I’m not alone”. It’s been quite a transformative process- not only have we turned to the awareness of what money has represented in our lives, but I, as a practitioner, have seen my work of Inner Economics unfold right before my eyes. 

Yesterday one of the women was working with her Fool archetype. This money type feels frustrated by material constraints and is restless and undisciplined as a result. It is afraid of being bored and so its sets out to conquer the world (but is easily distracted). The fool has all the enthusiasm of a warrior but because it doesn’t pay attention to details or neglects to slow down to implement them, it’s dreams often do not materialize (and then money is to blame). In other words the fool’s energy gets wasted. Money comes in and out of its life like a hot potato and when it finally looks around, there is not much to show. 

Digging a little deeper into this woman’s fool we began to discover her underlying restlessness. When it came down to “managing” money and creating financial detail she just couldn’t sit still. So she wanted to prove to the world that she would never be boxed in by material limitations and so proceeded to be “big” in her spending patterns. The result: anxiety, disorganization and the denial of what she really wanted in her life- to fully step into her sense of worth. Her restlessness was her inability to feel authentically big and worthy and it got translated into a constant outflow of money to prove the world wrong.

I suggested that instead of giving this restlessness life by spending outward (i.e false expenditure), she do the opposite- keep the restlessness in. Her eyes grew wide, both in disbelief and in terror. So I continued.

I suggested she make a restlessness chair- a place where she could sit and be with this sensation that had her exhaling more than she was inhaling (and as a result keeping her out of breath). I proposed that it be a warm, and cozy place, somewhere that felt safe and inviting, where she could just be. Once there her task was to sit in and let herself be consumed by the restlessness, fully. By being completely present and open to this energy, it would hand over a key- a key of awareness into what she was trying to cover up and not fully feel.

So, in light of "walking my talk", I tried this this morning while nursing my daughter. It was much harder than I initially thought! I saw my own restless energy like a fleeting snake. I couldn’t quite pin it down. It felt elusive, slithery and almost unreal. I found it easier to open my eyes and focus on my nursing baby or on the withering flowers in front of me that needed to be tossed. Anything but staying with the restlessness I feared! I chuckled, closed my eyes and tried again.

The second time I stayed with my restlessness a little bit longer. The snake began to settle down. It found its root in my 1^st chakra, and with alert eyes it finally stayed still and sat on the ground. I felt my breath deepen. My attention moved to the walls of tension that I carry inside. I knew these walls well; I’ve carried them for quite some time. I knew they covered up an authentic way of living where I trusted that I could fully be me. I yearned for a life where these walls were no longer needed all the time and where I could walk in the world knowing how to be more open, vulnerable and free. It sometimes felt just too scary and so the walls remained and I felt blocked inside.

But there I sat and I let my restlessness take shape. The snake perked up and lunged for the kill. It sunk its teeth into the base of the wall and started to shake. The walls shook fiercely, feeling the pulsing vibrations up through its bricks. Oh I see! I exclaimed inside, my restlessness is power; it’s vitality. If I face the intensity of being with and breathing in, it will give me what I most dream- it will help me be free.

I emerged from the experience smiling. I had just experienced a paradox in life- what we fear most often is our best friend. We just had to walk through the fire to “know” it. In its restlessness the fool holds a certain magic- it has what it takes to break us into new ground.  When we see pass the false illusion of the jester and choose to feel big instead of trying to prove it to the world, we can let our power root into the ground (and then magic begins!)

Inhaling & Exhaling: Taking In & Letting Go

I had an interesting insight at the toy store the other day. I was watching my daughter Ixchel “browse” the aisles, picking up things that caught her attention, when I realized that at her age (which is not even 1), price was irrelevant. The little numerical sticker on the toy only indicated a bunch of numbers, something else to pick at. They did not mean anything. They did not represent money. They did not even signify value.

How funny I thought. In her world there was nothing special you needed to do to have a piece of the action. You simply saw something that caught your attention, went over to it and began to play. The toy store could have been her playroom. There was nothing she needed to do to have access to this world. She naturally assumed she did.

We don’t. At some point along the way someone or some life experience told us that there was not enough. Or that it’s too expensive- and you can’t have. Somewhere we shifted from an embodied experience of enoughness to one of scarcity. We were told that there is not enough to go around, or if there was, you had to give something in return.

As a result economics became the “allocation of scarce resources”. It lost its original meaning of management of the household. Instead of approaching life with in-the-moment curiosity, awe and wonder, we came to it with apprehension, thirst and desire.

In a recent session with a client I asked her what her first memory with money was. She lit up and told me stories of her uncle and grandfather. They’d come to visit always with loose change or a dollar bill and go off on an amazing adventure. In her childhood mind, money represented journeys with loved ones; money meant warm fuzzy memories.

When I asked her what money meant to her now her mood instantly changed. Her dream was to have a retreat center on a far-away island. Bringing money there (even as a guest) made her anxious. “Why?” I asked her. “Money will undermine community”, she responded. What had changed?

Somewhere along the line we “grow up”. Instead of newness and freedom money gets tied to obligations, expectations and pain. Ixchel’s spontaneity in the toy store the other day reminded me that there is enough to go around and that store walls are not a prison (which you can take things out of only if you have the money to buy). No, the deeper lesson was not about curbing our desires (good luck on that one!) but rather on letting our desires express themselves and take their course, even if for a moment, without being attached to their outcome. Walk into a store and let yourself say “Yes that is beautiful!”, “Look at that thing over there!” Go to it, engage it, touch it…and then let it go. Something else will soon follow.

Ixchel taught me the beauty of taking in, and then letting go. For her it is all a game- a game of exploration and a journey of discovering. She doesn’t need to hold on because there is always more to explore.  In our culture we hoard because our containing myth is one of scarcity. There is not enough so you better hold on for dear life! The results are tight fists, anxious minds and closed hearts.

Today I invite you to do things a little different. Be a child again that innately trusts in the abundance of life. Live in the moment, fully, and then step into the next. There is not need to hold on. There is no need to even curb your desires. Let them be the utmost expression of your being. Tell the world what you see! And then… breathe…. enjoy… and let go…

It's Time to Feel

One of the hardest things about being a new mother is the lack of sleep. The reasons are many- soothing your baby’s cries, still nursing at night, or the myriad of unexpected turbulences that result from a new human “growing a body” in this world. In other words, it’s not easy.

As so as I pick my daughter up for what seems like the tenth time last night, my brain quickly went to places of trying to figure it out. Did she not nap enough today? Is she teething again? Or is it stomach pains? The questions come and come, round and round again. I’ve heard them before. It’s really nothing new, and in those moments of sheer exhaustion I know my “trying to figure it out” is in part wanting to help my daughter, but also wanting to do away with the pain. 

My partner gently pointed this out to me this morning as we breakfasted on the front lawn. In a sarcastic reply I asked: “What’s the alternative then? To Feel?” Silence ensued. I had answered my own question. I knew at that moment that part of the reason I was so exhausted was that I was pushing my feelings away. My heart was being overridden by my mind (at no fault of its own), but at the expense of feeling what was really there. Why was it so hard to feel?

As I nursed Ixchel down for her morning nap I asked myself what was I not wanting to feel. Grief came up. Of what, I’m still not sure. Sadness- check, also present. A little anger as well of not feeling fully supported in this journey (and not knowing how to always reach out for help). In reality, it was a mélange of emotions, all mixed up as one, which in those moments of hardship felt too overwhelming to embrace.

By not embracing them I was in part “checking out”. Yes, there is a practical dimension of motherhood that is necessary to ensure our babies survive. But there is also a deep feminine wisdom that beckons us not to think so much but to feel. In the feeling we can rest. We can let out emotions wash over us as water and tears bringing waves of new life. We learn not to be so attached to the moment and remember that “this too shall pass”. And we can tap into the innate messages that each “feeling” calls its’ own.

As so eloquently expressed in Rumi’s poem “The Guesthouse”:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

This morning’s mélange brought me to a place of feeling and surrender. Feelings that I could just allow to be there instead of trying to figure out, and surrender to what’s right there in front of me, at all times.

I saw my daughter struggling with her own sleep, as if still trying to learn a new skill. Oh, it reminded me that it’s not easy being human, not one bit. And yet we incarnate time and time again to give it a new go. My heart began to open again. I connected to the courage it takes to be fully alive and fully human.

So the invitation stands that whatever comes into your “home” today- just let it be there. (Your relationship to money is another great place to start!) Treat whatever comes as an honorable guest and feel what it’s asking you to feel. I promise that underneath the resistance, there is some delight, in the same way that tilling the compost yields new life. 

Money is Dying to Be Loved, Literally

Last Friday I was invited to present in a conference titled “The Cosmology of Love” at the California Institute of Integral Studies. Being my alma mater, I was thrilled to participate. I knew I wanted to bring a little nugget of my work with Inner Economics to the group, but for the longest time I couldn’t quite figure out how.

Then it hit me. I asked money what it wanted to say. What did it want to communicate to this particular group in this particular moment in time? The response: “Money is dying to be loved. Literally.” Whoa! Radical statement! What did it mean?

Well, in a nutshell what money was trying to say is that it is dying to be loved (and respected) for who and what it really is, and not for what we make it out to be.  Pretty simple- it’s the same thing that we, human beings, also want- we just to be loved for who we are and not for what other people want us to be. We want to be seen, respected and cherished and supported in our goals.

Unfortunately our relationship with money is often the opposite. We tend to project our greatest fears, deepest anxiety and unhealed wounds on money because unlike people, we think that money doesn’t respond or talk back, and because of this, money becomes our scapegoat for our wounds of un-love.  We’ve lost a sense of security in our-selves and try to find that security primarily in the material world, generally at the expense of also feeling it inside of our being. We walk around wanting to be consumed by Life, and yet don’t quite how, and so we lavishly consume the world around us, like a ferocious wild animal gone astray.

Now, make no mistake, I’m all for the wild, vital expression of our being. And being consummated by does not exclude consuming what we need to maintain life. But when all we do is consume the outer world and then blame money for going so deeply into debt, there is something “off” in this picture.

Knowing what makes you come alive is an acquired skill. It requires slowing down, paying attention and being still. It means taking risks, not the financial ones, but taking the risk to put down your defenses, open your hearts and expose your vulnerability to the world.

Why on earth do this? Because underneath our protective shell there is a deep, pulsating desire to be loved. And when we don’t truly experience this in our life, the resentment grows, the skin thickens, the sarcasm masks what’s really going on, and from this place we often do three things: 1) we project the anger and frustration that has built up outward (hence the charged relationship with money and the material world), 2) we try to control our outer environment to hide the inner chaos that is eating us up inside, or 3) we stick our heads in the ground.

None of these go to the heart of the problem- that is that we are dying to be loved, fully, for who we are, and that we just don’t always know how (hey, isn’t this what money wants too?). We don’t know how to do this, how to ask for this, and better yet, how to receive or even believe that this is possible. We don’t trust that we are this worthy.

“But yes”, whispers money into my ear, “you are. ALL of you.”

If we begin to embrace our mood of un-love (termed coined by John Welwood in his book Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships), and take responsibility for having placed this hurt on money we can begin to heal our own humanness and our relationship to the material world. We can begin to ask for and receive what we really want- conscious, reciprocated love. For me this is the new cosmology of love.

And then we can also then help money become less disembodied, less abstract, more present and more local. We can take a more active, less charged role in creating the economies and expressions of exchange that better align with our values and visions. We can help money land once again in this material world and play its due role.

As the saying goes- “if you love something let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be”. Recently our relationship with money has been estranged and beaten. It’s like a lover who’s tired of the abuse and leaves. Without getting lost in the discussion of who abused who, without getting caught up in the blame, if we accept that we are in relationship with money everyday, we can choose to “stay in it” and heal. The beloved in both parties will thrive as we heal our mood of un-love and we will begin to experience a basic human right- we are worthy and loved, just for who we are.

The Invisible World

 Work in the invisible world

 At least as hard

 As you do in the visible.

                          - Rumi

These lines jumped out at me the other night when reading “The Illuminated Rumi”, a beautiful book recently gifted to me for my 33^rd birthday. The words rang true and helped validate the work that I do with Inner Economics- helping people weave and participate more fully in the creation of their inner homes.

For me this is the “invisible” action of economics. If the original Greek meaning of the word is: “managing the household”, then Inner Economics refers to how we manage and create our inner home. Or better yet, it is how we well we dance and interlace the threads of all of our experiences, capacities and dreams, to create a home for our deeper being to inhabit within us.

As Rumi would suggest, the full spectrum of the human experience requires that we recognize that the work we do within is equally as valuable as the work we do without- in other words what we see outside is mirrored and sourced from within. Our thoughts, feelings, emotions have a deeper root in the undercurrents our soul that manifest when the inner meets the outer.

I often find, however, that we live our lives overvaluing the outer: our outer work, our outer achievements, and the outer changes that we see all around us. Understandably so, these are easier to measure, touch and see. However the result of this “tangible existence” is that we walk in the world with a crooked limp. We place so much “weight” and empasis on what we accomplish in the outer that we feel un-rooted and disconnected from the inner. I am convinced that this un-balance is part of the systemic feelings of un-groundedness that we experience in our modern culture. An image that I find particular useful is that of a lopsided heart. One side of the heart is inflamed and over worked while the other valve is shriveled up and under-used. A heart like this can’t beat to its fullest potential. On the contrary it is highly prone for a heart attack and will soon die.

How to then find right balance? We can look to Rumi’s words for guidance- work in the invisible world at least as hard as you do in the visible. Yes, it’s that simple (not always easy, but simple). Spend as much time reflecting and connecting to yourself and your inner dimensions as you do walking and working in the outer world. Take time to do nothing but to simply lie on the earth and dream. Close your eyes and witness the images that unfold within you, just waiting to be seen.

We often complain that we don’t have time to do this, but in reality, there is no time to waste. The world is changing too quickly and if we do not quickly find our inner roots, we will be swept away. Mindful urgency, inner livelihood…it is time.