Weaning: Taking the Leap

This week the weaning of Ixchel began. As I sat down this morning to write about this process and how it related to the bigger picture of life, it occurred to me to see what the word really meant. “Weaning”, as defined by Wikipedia, means:

1. To accustom (the young of a mammal) to take nourishment other than its mother's milk, or 2. to detach from that to which one is strongly habituated or devoted to.

When I read this definition it occurs to me why weaning is harder than we may initially think. We are being asked to relinquish the source of nourishment that has been always constant and plentiful, and in the case of Ixchel, on demand. And nourishment in this case is not merely food- it is the comfort, safety and security of knowing that what we need is provided for, that the world is plentiful and we are always held.

Weaning requires that a baby expand its circle of sustenance twofold- it must learn to acquire the food it needs through other means, and it must learn to connect to a greater source, creating their sense of home. They cannot only rely on the mother anymore, for if it does, we create dependent beings unable to plant their own roots in the world.

Life is about inter-dependence. It requires we find our sense of self and our center and that we have the courage to intimately engage with others. John Welwood says conscious relationships require both of these things, engagement and spaciousness, and without their balance we will never find our trust in the ultimate sense of source. 

Nevertheless, knowing this doesn’t make it easy. When my partner Zayin said Sunday evening that is was time to begin night weaning so that everyone would have a better night sleep, tears welled up in my eyes and my first response was “I’m not ready! What if she cries all night? What if she gets traumatized?” Ah…the natural desire of a mama to protect her kin. Yet the father stood strong and helped me see that it was in the best interest of all of us- I needed to regain my center as a mama (which was fading fast due to lack of sleep). Ixchel needed to trust that she was held by all of the world, not just me. And Zayin needed to step into the under-valued role of the father who can help individuate the child, initiating into a next stage of development. In theory it was a win-win for all, despite it not necessarily feeling that way.

Sunday night came and went. Much to my surprise there were no tantrums. In fact Ixchel did not really cry. Zayin reported that the overall feeling was one of confusion, as if her face transmitted the thought of “where is mom?” proceeded by multiple waking up in the middle of the night to look for me. Heart-breaking? Yes….and yet humbling. Ixchel has shown me from day 1 that being human takes tremendous amount of courage and I bow to everyone reading this blog- you too face growing pains every step of the way.

Yet the growing pains make us stronger. They remind us of what we’re made of and of our worth. Weaning invites us to grow beyond our current means trusting that life will catch up and still support.

Take that leap. The world is waiting. You will be held.

De-pression: A Time to Reflect

I often tell my clients that economics is about cycles. Growth, recession and depression are some of the main markers of the economic cycle and even though we may tend to favor one phase over other, all are necessary. There cannot be true growth without true loss, much in the same way we come to know true love through experiencing true pain. All of them make up the human spectrum of experience and the inclusion of every phase helps us feel truly alive.

Yesterday I felt the familiar feeling of depression creep into my day. I had just gotten back from an amazing trip into the wilderness of Wyoming where expansive skies and roaring rivers reminded me of how I was very much alive. I also watched my daughter light up the hearts of family revealing the simple joy that new life brings. It was a wonderful week of recharge and renew and so I was a bit surprised (and yet not) when the main feeling upon my return was of wistfulness, uneasiness and sorrow.

Yes, I missed the mountains of Wyoming, I missed the creek and its cold waters, but what I mainly missed was family. I knew the spirit of the land was embedded deep inside of me. I knew nature always surrounded me, but I couldn’t shake not having the tangible feeling of love that comes from being around those who just love you, just because.

Now don’t get me wrong. My family (and in this case my husband-to-be’s family) has just as many dynamics and challenges as anyone else’s. Even though there’s love, we also argue, trigger each other and often disagree.  But there’s something to be said about people who have agreed to partake on a parallel journey together. In some realm, we signed a similar contract that will bring us back in contact time and time again.

My 1-year old daughter has taught me that family creates a bond that runs very deep. Love is experienced in a different way. Not to say that I hadn’t experienced this intense love before, I actually have. But what feels different is how tangible it feels. I will never forget the image I received days after my daughter’s birth. I saw us hand fasted for life: a beautiful thread wove our wrists together as we said “yes” to this new journey to be taken. It is a bond that regardless of the distance or silence between us, it will never be broken. 

Yesterday my depression slowed me down. It asked me to “de-press”, to sink deeper into my feelings and simply feel. I was being asked to feel my sadness instead of pushing it away doing something else (i.e. precipitated growth). All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and get under the covers. Once my daughter fell asleep that is exactly what I did.

What did I find? Ironically I found a sense of peace and solace. I knew that instead of needing to change my state of being I could allow myself to simply be. In stopping and in reflecting, I found what I was looking for: the awareness of what I longed for was real, tangible human love; the knowing that I do in fact have it around me; and the strength and vulnerability to say “I want more”.

I often find that when people come to me to dive into their relationship with money what they are really looking for is to heal their wound around love. I also found this to be true for myself. And after many years of practice I now know that the growth that I am looking for is a combination of many things. Yes, a stable financial foundation is part of it, as so is a life full of real, tangible human love. This is true wealth- not either, but both. As I write this I can feel money smiling at me; it agrees. 

What Money Has to Say

As I sat with Money today to have our usual conversation (I say usual but I must admit it’s been a while), Money seemed pretty flat. That surprised me. It was in its usual form- coins in my play jar on a bookshelf across the room from where I nurse my daughter, but the coins seemed pretty lifeless. Normally when I imagine having a conversation with money and ask: “What would Money say?” I get a varied array of responses that often bring interesting insight and guidance into my relationship to money.

But today was different. It was almost as if Money was bored or didn’t want to engage. I asked it what was wrong and it kind of shrugged its shoulders and replied: “Well, we (coins) are not as interested in you these days”.

Really?!? I asked, how so.

“You’ve forgotten to write”, it responded. “You said you were going to write a book about me, about us, (i.e. about Conversations with Money) and all of that went to the waste side. You’ve gotten sidetracked by the rest of your life”.

Ah ha!…that was it. Money felt abandoned! Totally get it. I had promised to engage with it and I didn’t. I had assured Money it would receive some of my creative juju and it didn’t.  So…its attention went elsewhere.

Interesting, I thought. Money really is a form of energy. It goes towards where there is other energy to interact with. Does it judge whether this “energy” is good or bad? Not quite. That is why many people get angry at it and blame money for being involved in “unmoral” things (i.e. “money is evil”) when in fact it is our responsibility as humans to discern where our creative energy gets channeled towards.

Instead of getting stuck in the blame I often tell people that the important thing is to call money in. Not for the sake of “acquiring” money (which is an illusion in itself because money will never represent the true security we are looking for), but for the importance of being in relationship with this important form of creativity. Money is a doorway into the material world. It helps us manifest our deepest dreams and most elaborate creative endeavors (although these can happen also without). But money wants to be included and called on board. It has a role to play.

Today Money was there reminding me that in addition to being a full time mom and part-time Inner Economist, I still had to find time to write. It was imperative. If not my Creator-Artist would eventually dwindle and die (much in the same way Money would one day lose interest). And again, interestingly enough, I didn’t feel “money’s love” to be conditional. It wasn’t telling me that it wouldn’t be in my life anymore. Of course it would. I’d always find ways to “make money”, but it wouldn’t be there with the same aliveness and vitality as when all of me is involved- my Creator-Artist, my Warrior, my Mother, my Woman-ness, all of me. Money wanted to play with “me” (much in the same way my daughter wants!), and the satisfaction of that play would grow exponentially when I didn’t leave a single part of me out.

Growth…satisfaction…inner/outer security….sounds like the economic system we’re all striving for!

Unconditional love (and Money)

Last night was one of the hardest nights I had as a mother in a long time. My daughter has her second cold ever, and combined with the first molar she’s pushing through, it’s been a couple of rough, not-so-much-sleep days. The usual pattern is this- she falls into a deep slumber for twenty minutes (because she is utterly exhausted) and then wakes up and can’t quite get back to sleep. (Yes, my friends, knowing how to sleep is an acquired skill!) We spend hours this way- her sleeping for bits at a time, waking up screaming in sudden pain, and then I holding her across my chest until she dozes off again. I’m sure other parents would appreciate me saying this- it’s a lot of work!

So not surprisingly, this morning I was not my cheerful self. I longed for another hour of sleep or even a warm cup of mate on the bedside table to wake up to. I had neither. Instead I found myself early on my living room floor watching my daughter put on her pink frilly tutu and look to me to play. In my exhausted self, I couldn’t help but smile. Her in-the-moment experience was flawless. Yes, she too had had a rough night last night, but her morning was unaffected. Her nighttime struggle was a thing of the past; what mattered to her was that I sit there now, this morning, to play. She was all smiles.  So again, I couldn’t help but smile.

I found myself talking to her, acknowledging that we had had a rough go and I might not be in the best mood. But I assured her “you are still loved”. I realized how important that was- to tell her that I still loved her regardless of how I was feeling. Obvious? Maybe. But I can’t tell you how many people I work with who doubt if they were unconditionally loved. As a result they look for this love other places- in dependent relationships, in their work, and more often than not, from money (i.e.- “money if you don’t show up in my life or if people don’t give you to me, I am not loved”). The emotional correlation of money and love runs pretty deep.

This morning as I uttered those words to my daughter I felt a chill run through my spine. I knew that my parents felt the same. Even when I kept them up (more so in my adolescent years) or even when I turned in the opposite direction from the expectations they had, I was still loved. Was I always understood? No, not always.  Did they always agree with me? Not necessarily. But time and time again they too showed up and to the best of their capacity accepted me. That, is unconditional love.

So with the intention to help more people see that unconditional love does in fact exist, and moreover, it exists around them, I share my this story to you. Even in those moments that we are sleep deprived, down, and even upset, we still know how to love. Even in those moments that we are frustrated and disappointed, we still love. Even when we imagine we’ve done the worst thing imaginable, we are still loved.  Yes my friends, even when we are utterly human (which is in the end, what we’re meant to be) we love and we are loved. No need to put that need on money. It just confuses everything.

Let yourself be who you are. Feel your joys and your pains. And remember, by someone somewhere, you are unconditionally loved.

Enough-ness

Two weeks ago my daughter turned one. Amongst all of the celebrations, family and festivities the one constant was change. Now, after everyone has gone home and we attempt to settle back into a routine, I am reminded that with a baby routines last only a couple of months at best, and sometimes even only a few days. But we keep trying, and in this process we learn that in the dissolving of habits and in the creation of new ones we see parts of ourselves that in other instances never surface.

One of the newest changes is the conversation around childcare. As clients continue to pull me out of my maternity leave and beckon me back into my private practice, I realize it is time to outsource more support. The natural next step is to have someone come and be with Ixchel will I see clients. Two or three mornings a week is suffice. A part of me knows it is time- I flourish when working with others. I love the work I get to do in the world, and I am a better mother because of it. Yet another part of me screams Wait!! It’s not time! I’m not ready to not have all of my mornings with Ixchel… the pull of opposites, the tugs of the heart. I know both experiences are valid and hold their wisdoms. It is just hard for the heart to choose.

So yesterday morning, as I nursed Ixchel to sleep I realized that the real choice was different that what I had originally imagined. I didn’t need to choose between her and my work in the world, rather I had to choose how I approached the time I did have with her. I found myself whispering: “It is enough, love…this is enough”. The moments I had with her would be enough to love and support her as she became her own being in the world, and I needed to do the same for myself. If I approached her out of lack, she’d experience and feel that. But if I approached her out of enoughness, she’d embody a knowing that there was always enough (love, support, etc.) to go around.

I smiled at the realization. My own body relaxed. There is enough time for everything, I thought. Sometimes we just forget and pass up the precious moments that are right in front of our face. There is enough….we just need to believe it, embody it and slow down.