Enough-ness

Two weeks ago my daughter turned one. Amongst all of the celebrations, family and festivities the one constant was change. Now, after everyone has gone home and we attempt to settle back into a routine, I am reminded that with a baby routines last only a couple of months at best, and sometimes even only a few days. But we keep trying, and in this process we learn that in the dissolving of habits and in the creation of new ones we see parts of ourselves that in other instances never surface.

One of the newest changes is the conversation around childcare. As clients continue to pull me out of my maternity leave and beckon me back into my private practice, I realize it is time to outsource more support. The natural next step is to have someone come and be with Ixchel will I see clients. Two or three mornings a week is suffice. A part of me knows it is time- I flourish when working with others. I love the work I get to do in the world, and I am a better mother because of it. Yet another part of me screams Wait!! It’s not time! I’m not ready to not have all of my mornings with Ixchel… the pull of opposites, the tugs of the heart. I know both experiences are valid and hold their wisdoms. It is just hard for the heart to choose.

So yesterday morning, as I nursed Ixchel to sleep I realized that the real choice was different that what I had originally imagined. I didn’t need to choose between her and my work in the world, rather I had to choose how I approached the time I did have with her. I found myself whispering: “It is enough, love…this is enough”. The moments I had with her would be enough to love and support her as she became her own being in the world, and I needed to do the same for myself. If I approached her out of lack, she’d experience and feel that. But if I approached her out of enoughness, she’d embody a knowing that there was always enough (love, support, etc.) to go around.

I smiled at the realization. My own body relaxed. There is enough time for everything, I thought. Sometimes we just forget and pass up the precious moments that are right in front of our face. There is enough….we just need to believe it, embody it and slow down.