Love & Money: Talk at Bloom!

As the saying goes, "money can't buy you love". In essense money and love are two different things. Yet, by being in relationship to us everyday, money can reveal how well we give and receive- resources, currency, and yes, ultimately love.

This Valentine's Day come hear Bloom's very own Money Coach, Elizabeth Husserl, speak to the intricacies of the relationship between money and love. She will offer simple steps to begin to untangle the two and help shed light on how our relationship to money can be an ally instead of a source of anxiety as we create the love we want in our lives.

The Wisdom of Our Money Shadow

According to Carl Jung our “shadow” is that part of our unconscious mind that holds our repressed weakness, shortages and unexamined instincts. By nature it carries the pieces of ourselves that are usually the hardest to see.

Yet in my experience our shadow also holds some of our greatest gifts. It is there that we find important keys towards understanding some of our greatest blocks and where we can unleash unimaginable streams of vitality and potential.

Today a family member gave me the “gift” of showing me a part of my shadow. I say “gift” in parenthesis because at the time it did not feel that way. In fact it led to a pretty big blowout at the breakfast table. But in the aftermath of walking away and as the emotions begin to settle down (when extreme feelings get stirred, you know you’re on to something!), I began to realize that there was more there to be explored.

My first reaction had been out of defense (and to be fair, her delivery was not the best, but then again, who’s perfect), and because of that we did not get very far in our initial exchange. When I calmed down and started discerning what was mine and what was hers, I asked myself the important question: what truth lies in what she was trying to say? (And I knew there was some, if not I wouldn’t have been so shaken).

What I came to was this- she was speaking to my money archetype of the Tyrant, the part of me that is rooted in scarcity and as a result tries fiercely to control. And what happens is when I begin to feel that there is not “enough” of things- not enough time, not enough attention, not enough of resources to go around, I react with anger and impatience and my delivery of requests becomes harsh. Anyone who knows me can vouch that I have been working on this for many years. I inherited this harshness from my father, and he from his father. (Yes, we do have financial DNA, and yes it can change. You should see my father with my daughter now- total melt!). This is contrast to my mother’s side of the family who was taught to inherently trust in the “plenty” of things.

If the Tyrant is not your main archetype is can be difficult to handle or be in relationship with. They can feel tight and controlling as if it were always trying to get their own way. In fact another archetype (like the Martyr, predominant on my mother’s side) may accuse the Tyrant of being totally self-interested and keeping everyone else’s needs at bay. In reality however, the Tyrant is the most fearful of all of the archetypes because they are masking a deep pain. Something happened in their past that internalized a belief in scarcity and not-enoughness. Whatever they experienced was too much to bear; what was an emotional wound got internalized as a material deficiency and as an adult the tyrant aggressively tries to constantly satisfy his or her needs, at the expense of relaxing and allowing life to naturally do this, in more unexpected ways.

The wisdom of this archetype is that it actually makes requests (or demands), and lots of them! This per se is not a bad thing. It’s great to tell the world and others what you need, but what I learned to today was that only is the delivery of these requests just as important as the sheer act of making them, but so is the place from where these requests are made. (Scarcity vs. Enough-ness)

Inner Economics is a big part of what I do personally and as a living. I am in communication with my different money archetypes all day long. I have worked with my Tyrant, I have cultivated my Fool (its total opposite) and I have chosen not to feed into my Martyr. As a result my relationship to money is much freer, ever embracing and more interesting than ever before. But what I had not realized was that my impatience, a natural way with which I meet the world, came from a place of scarcity and much less, that this was a place where my Tyrant still lived. It was a part of me that I still had not seen.

However difficult, I am grateful from this lesson today. It reminded me of a friend’s comment 8 years ago that also changed my life forever. This feels like of one those times. Life throws a curveball but they are meant to shake you up to loosen the habits that have been internalized and habituated for a long, long time.

May you too embrace what feels at times may feel hard and hurtful. I promise you there is probably something there.  May it be gold…

The Power of Play

In working with my own money types, I have come to realize that some of the most important money strategies I need to implement in my daily life are to Relax, Express and Trust. These strategies can be totally different for someone else, but in my case they are meant to help my money “tyrant” trust that there is enough resources, money (and ultimately love) to go around.

Once I internalize this (for we can know something cognitively but not experience it directly), my tyrant can release its deep-seated fear of survival and exhale its gift to the world. Tyrants are often hoarders, and in our culture where about 60% of the population self-declare themselves as hoarders, I wonder how much of our true human potential are we “withholding”, within.

Relaxing and expressing are easier said than done. Yes, we all crave the end of the day when we can come home and relax over dinner (if you first don’t have to make it!), pour a nice glass of water or wine and enjoy the company of loved ones. Maybe relaxing is dancing, exercise, or curling up with a good book. Whatever its modality, craving relaxation doesn’t necessarily mean that it happens. More often than not we (or maybe I should speak for my fellow tyrants), feel burdened by a never-ending to-do list of “life” and so our beloved nightly off-time turns into a continuation of work.

What to do? Well, the consciousness of knowing that the tyrant needs to relax in order to heal does help. There is a certain permission is being told that it is ok, and in fact necessary, to do nothing sometimes.

A second step if this is hard is to create simple structures that “fit” relaxation into your life. An alarm clock can be set a particular hour that reminds you it’s time to turn the computer off. You can “plan” relaxation time into your schedule like any other commitment. Often having a partner to keep you accountable or share this down time with really helps. 

And yet a third option, which I find to be one of the most powerful, is to insert the element of play.

I know in my own money biography I can to realize that I had internalized the notion that in order to make money it took a lot of work. (Note the subtlety: I said “in order to make”, not have money required work. I’ve had the gift of very generous parents who’ve often provided, and so I grew up feeling like I had enough). Yet the messages I received around work were different- work is hard, work takes long hours, work requires sacrificing weekends sometimes, etc. It’s not like my parents wanted to pass this down to me, but my paternal grandfather also embodied this way of being in the world so down the genetic line it came.

As a result I have sometimes shied away from hard paid work. I have many times volunteered years of my life. I have organized and lead countless organizations. But I have struggled to commit to a forty hour 5-day week. Fortunately life has helped me develop a flexible livelihood more to my liking and schedule.  Yes, it has taken a lot of work to create, but it has also included a lot of creativity and play.

Today, driving home from picking my daughter up and thinking about the to-do list I had at hand, I was reminded my money strategies: Relax, Express and Trust. Relaxing can often be the hardest one for me and so I asked myself how could I bring relaxation into the work I need to do. The answer was: play.

Play helps us find the joy in any activity that we do. By bringing playful creativity to the other tasks at hand or simply having a bounce in your step as you continue on in your day, play can transform a mere job into a fulfilling livelihood. And play can remind us (tyrants) the wise old truth of not taking ourselves so seriously, because in the end we are perfect just as we are, we have accomplished plenty, and paradoxically real relaxation and downtime connections brings us the sustainable joy we crave.

Enough-ness: The Antidote to Scarcity

In all of the years that I have worked as an Inner Economist, one of the biggest lessons that comes back to me time and time again is this- Money, per se, doesn’t bring a sense of enough-ness, it is only a medium of exchange; this experience must come from within.

This may seem simple and straightforward enough, but make no mistake, most people don’t live this way. Money is often our biggest obsession, (at times I know it’s mine). We think that more money represents security, we feel successful when money comes into our accounts but not when it goes out, and we rest in times of growth and stress in times of depression.

Don’t get me wrong, I too feel good when there is a little more money to go around. I “play” more, I take bigger risks, and I don’t feel so crunched when something goes wrong. But that doesn’t solve the initial problem- do I feel enough?

Enough-ness is an experience that brings on a certain peace with the world- we feel at home in our surrounding environment and in our skin. We feel that in that moment we need nothing else because we “have” everything we need to feel complete. It is often fleeting- it can leave as quickly as it comes. Yet the presence of enough-ness, however so short, can teach us some invaluable things.

When we feel “enough” we don’t feel the need to consume as much. Why? Because we’re already full. It’s like the end of an immensely satisfying meal- we’re so full of goodness and life we just want to sit and relish the moment. Life is good.

When we’re enough we experience our true worth. We know we have a place in the world and an unique gift to give. In these moments we don’t doubt, we know. And in this knowing we live from a place of deeper sacred connection to the living world.

Enough-ness is a gift. It is the gift we give ourselves when we make than journey within and discover what is that one (or few) things that sustains of sense of be-ing in the world. When we unconditionally accept what our deepest being wants to express and bring forth its manifestation, we find meaning in our everyday. We begin to see that opportunities (independent of the money we have) abound. We feel full. There is enough. In fact there is more than enough to go around.

Discovering enough-ness only takes a moment. Close your eyes, ask yourself what is the life you were meant to live? Listen deeply. Keep asking. You hear the clues.

Practicing Intensity

I had thought that my blog for the week would be on “the power of “No”. This has been a very pertinent subject for me as the parent of an almost-2-year-old (and rest assure I’ll blog on it soon!) But as I was driving Ixchel home from co-op today, listening to her increasingly growing cries of anger and frustration of being strapped into her car seat and feeling my own familiar discomfort with it all, I knew that what I would actually be writing about- the practice of embracing intensity.

Embracing intensity is one of the hardest things we’ll ever learn how to do. When the going gets tough we often fight or flight. I’m of the “flight-ing” type. When a situation gets overwhelming hard I can feel my body tighten and I long to escape to my favorite place in the world- under the covers. My whole physiology seems to want to close (out of habit and protection) and many times I give in. Nonetheless over the years I have found the courage and gained tools to stand up in difficult moments. I learned that intensity won’t kill me and that even though my heart may feel like it’s breaking but it will survive. I know I will be stronger in the long run, and yet… I find embracing intensity is still one of the hardest things to do.

So just imagine the 17 months I’ve had to practice with my daughter Ixchel. Not only does a baby push all of our edges to the max, they have the special talent of knowing how to find those hidden buttons that challenge us to our core. For me it’s been the car seat.

In normal circumstances I don’t mind if Ixchel cries. I know it’s just one more way of her communicating to the world. In fact I know crying helps “stabilize” babies by allowing them to find an internal rhythm that re-organizes their world until the desired change is made by their caretakers. Crying has its wisdom. I can totally hang with it if I can reach out and hold her. Now that’s the catch. There are moments when I can’t.

In the car, and especially when I’m driving, I get totally stressed when Ixchel starts crying. It feels like there is nothing I can do. My practical brain knows I can try to distract her, sing her a song, give her a snack, etc. and god-forbid I try. But as the crying goes on and on, I feel myself begin to close. I know it’s my body trying to protect itself from letting in too much pain. Hearing your own baby cry without being able to hold her is torture. The closing begets the tightness which then produces the embodied stress. It’s exhausting! I arrive whenever I am going vowing never to venture out unless it’s naptime when she falls asleep in the car (and then…. I feel trapped).  Ah, the vicious cycle.

Fortunately as the months have gone by it has become easier. We’ve turned her car seat around so that she can see where she’s going. We found some great car snacks that really do keep her occupied. We’ve found music that we both jive to and have some great jam sessions in the car, etc. etc., one of the keys of successful parenting is to have a rotating bag of tricks.

But today as I drove her back from co-op and the crying began right on cue I realized that what had really changed was something deeper. Somewhere along the way I knew learned that as a parent I couldn’t prevent my child’s pain. If fact I wasn’t supposed it. It was bound to happen and it was better if it happened with me! Because then I could also teach her that with pain comes the joy of really feeling alive.

Practicing intensity invites me to step towards those really hard moments and relax. If I relax my body can open, no matter how hard it may feel. In that softening magic happens- we begin to feel safe in our own bodies and our pain can be used and absorbed. Pain becomes nourishment, not in the masochistic kind of way, but in the way of seeing pain as a life energy that expands the edges our being and creates more space. We realize that in the end there is nothing to fear but the fear itself, and living without fear is the greatest gift of all.